Hacking Harry writes:

Dear Cooper,

I stopped smoking two months ago, but I find that I'm still coughing up blobs of brown phlegm every morning. Will this ever end?

Sincerely,

Hacking Harry.



Dear Harry,

After two months, I think it's safe to assume that smoking was never the cause of your problem to begin with. I would recommend that you stop inhaling while hobos ejaculate into your mouth. It's called a "blow" job for a reason.

Good luck.

Cooper.

Otto in Ontario writes:

Dear Cooper,

My physics teacher told me that, given two options, an electrical current will flow through the path of least resistance. Without having traveled both paths, how does the current "know" which path will offer the least resistance?

Thank you.

Otto in Ontario.



Dear Otto in Ontario,

Fuck you.

Cooper.

Toothy Tina writes:

Dear Cooper,

I'm 22 years old, and have had all four of my wisdom teeth removed. Recently I've noticed another tooth coming in at the back of my lower jaw. Is this normal?

Sincerely,

Toothy Tina.



Dear Toothy Tina,

If you're seeking help, it's best not to speak in metaphors. Fortunately for you, I know how to read between the lines, and this problem is more common than you think. You are not alone.

Semen is not a recognized source of flouride. I don't care what your stepfather tells you.

Cooper.

Seattle Stan writes:

Dear Cooper,

I think a lot of your readers would like to know how your half-orc penis compares to that of a normal human penis. I ain't gay or nothin. I'm just curious.

Seattle Stan.



Dear Seattle Stan,

Come on, man. Try to show a little class. My grandma reads this shit.

Cooper.

Veggie Reggie writes:

Dear Cooper,

I'm hosting a dinner party this coming weekend, and one of the guests I'm expecting is a vegan. While I don't want to offend him, I want the rest of the guests to be satisfied. Do you have any recommendations on what I should serve?

Yours truly,

Veggie Reggie.



Dear Veggie Reggie,

You poor stupid bastard. You should have learned this a long time ago, and I'm sorry you have to hear it from me. You'd better sit down, because I'm about to drop a pretty big bombshell on you.

Star Trek isn't real. There's no such thing as a Vegan.

Now, as far as what to serve at your dinner party. I don't think you can go wrong with hot dogs. Who doesn't like a good hot dog?

Cooper.

Cindy in St. Louis writes:

Dear Cooper,

How can you tell a satsuma from a tangerine?

Thanks!

Cindy in St. Louis.



Dear Cindy,

Why don't you try shoving them each up your ass. The one that touches the sides is most likely a grapefruit. Seriously, I don't have time for this bullshit.

Cooper.

Testy Terry writes:

Dear Cooper,

I have a small lump on my right testicle. My doctor says it's just a fat deposit, but I can't help but worry. What should I do?

Regards,

Testy Terry.




Dear Testy Terry,

You and your doctor are morons. That's your left testicle. Now stop wasting my time, shithead.

Cooper.